Today I put a cookie in Lily's mouth and she just sat there with it in her mouth. Then she let it go and thought she was so funny when she put it back in her mouth. Her big personality is really coming out and she is really quite funny.

She has officially sucked from a sippy cup today for the first time. She had a sippy cup with a soft sucker but now can do it with the hard cups! Yea, she is learning!

Lily's 1st Birthday

Yesterday was Lily's 1st Birthday! We took her up to northern Arizona where Brian's family lives to celebrate. This was the first time for most of the family to meet Lily. We were a little worried about how she would react (it's a very large family), but she did great. She played with her cousins and was as happy as could be. She has really been blossoming these past weeks. She has even learned how to pick up food and put it in her mouth, as well as suck from a sippy cup. She crawls all over and plays with her toys. She laughs and smiles alot.

She had a great time eating her chocolate birthday cake, and yes some even went into her mouth!

Self Realization

After two long years of paperwork and waiting to be matched to our beautiful daughter I had convinced myself that because I wanted to be a mother so much and not just to any child but to this adopted daughter that my bond to her would be instantanious. I found myself not wanting to get pregnant because I wanted this daughter, I didn't even know who she was yet, but I knew that I loved her very much.

The love part is true, I do love my daughter very much. I haven't even known her for one month yet but I do know that I love her. My bonding to her was the surprise and self realization. I didn't intantly bond to her right off in the beginning, but it is coming and growing within me. I can feel it when I look at her and play with her. She in turn is starting to bond with me also. Each day and week is better and better. We are both relaxing and getting to know each other. Lily is quite a good baby. She is funny and likes to play rough. She only cries when she wants something or is really tired. I can tell the difference in her cries already. I know when the cry is a tired cry verses an angry cry or a hungry cry. She is really a happy baby and quick to smile. She knows what she wants and is not afraid to let you know. I really feel we are blessed to have her in our lives.

Looking Up!

Thank you everyone for all your uplifting comments. That really meant alot.

Through this weekend things have really been looking up. Lily and I are doing better. I think we are really starting to bond to each other. She has been more relaxed and really happy and I am getting there too. I have been feeling better inside and am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Here is the star of the family, looking so very cute:

Poor Max has taken a backseat to this new cub that has joined the pack. He was very jealous in the beginning, but seems to be accepting Lily more and more. In this picture Max is miserabling waiting for his turn to play.

Post Partum?

Sorry I haven't posted much since we got home. For the most part things are going great. Lily seems to be adjusting well. She sleeps through the night now for the most part. I may have made her sleep deprived in the beginning but after the weekend of being awake from 2am to 5am I said that's enough and started a normal day schedule. I would wake her up at 8:30am even if she had just gone to sleep at 5am and we'd do breakfast and play then have a morning nap for about 1.5 hours then lunch and more play then afternoon nap for the same amount of time and by 8pm she was ready to sleep. It took only a couple of days of this and she started sleeping through the night. Now her daytime naps have shortened and it's hard to get stuff done, but I think I'll take that over being awake at night.

Adjusting to motherhood has been a little harder then I thought. I have wanted this all of my adult life and now that it's here it's a strange feeling. I think the mind romantices how it will be and it's just not that way. She cries and screams and throws fits just like a normal child. I think I have a little bit of post partum depression. I think this because I feel like I should be perfectly happy and I can't figure out why I don't feel that way. I am really enjoying Lily, she is a happy baby. I feel like she is bonding to us. A friend commented that from the time we came home to now (a week) that Lily looks more alive and animated. She looks like she is adjusting well. Why do I not feel like I'm adjusting well?

This is hard to admit to the whole blogging world. I'm the kind that will put on a smiling face and tell you everything is going great, because everything is going great except inside of me. Maybe I just need a good cry and everything will be better. I feel like I just need to settle into stay at home mom mode because that is what I am for the next 3 months until I go back to work. Just getting these feeling out makes me feel better. Thanks for listening.

Here is a picture of the two of us today with Lily in her cute elmo outfit that my sister gave to her.